I recently read a book recommended by a friend titled The Freedom of Self Forgetfulness by Tim Keller. It's message really stuck with me and I feel like most if not all college students can benefit from.
Now I know the book is written for a religious audience but I will try my best to summarize it without requiring a religious background, and you can plug and play your beliefs and see how it goes.
Ego
Humans are born with the need to worship something. Whether that be money, power, relationships, etc. We take pride in taking control of our lives and what we feel. If you want an example, just listen to the first 10 seconds of this Andrew Tate interview or read any self-help book. This is what Keller describes as the emptiness of the human heart. Our natural state is also bound to be painful. Keller brings up the example of a body part not drawing attention to itself unless it has been hurt. Why do our egos draw attention to itself constantly?
"Did I say something wrong?"
"Did I do something wrong?"
"What do they think of me?"
It is constantly in pain. It needs nursing like a baby fresh out the womb.
In a desperate attempt to take care of itself, the ego tries to keep busy with self reassurance: "I am better than others because I can do this thing that others cannot." I compare myself with other people like comparing stats on a RPG, they might have more starting points in intelligence, but are they part of Northeastern Club Tennis? Haha, I thought not. They might be a D3 tennis player, but are they involved in not just one, but TWO coding clubs on campus? Haha, I thought not.
What if someone can do all that I can do, and more?
I have been stupid enough to mentally gymnastic my way around that thought, and that just goes to show how truly fragile the ego is. Dennis Wang cannot comprehend someone that is better than him in every way based on Dennis' perception of value.
TL;DR - Ego is our base identity and it is empty, painful, busy, and fragile.
New Self (Ego Death)
I don't want to downplay individual internal struggles, but I want to try to categorize them into 2 buckets: too little air in the ego balloon OR too much air in the ego balloon.
Modern counseling tells those with little air to inflate themselves. Care less about what others think and create your own metric of value that can make yourself feel better. "Who cares what others think? I'm doing better than myself yesterday đ"
The perception of value / validation still rests in human hands.
Do you see the problem?
How do we look in the mirror and feel indifferent about the person in the reflection?
How do we look at others and feel joy when they get that job position we wanted, the same way we admire flowers in a field?
How do we say "I'm so happy for you" and truly mean it?
How do we think of ourselves less, if not at all?
How to kill ego, and addressing the đ
I've put off the elephant in the room for too long. This is where I give the Christian spiel and solve all our trauma and problems.
I'm joking. I challenge you to find what piece fits in the puzzle for yourself.
In the meantime, I offer you the perspective of the apostle Paul for the problem we described:
1 Corinthians 4:3-5 "But with me it is a very small thing that I should be judged by you or by any human court. In fact, I do not even judge myself. For I am not aware of anything against myself, but I am not thereby acquitted. It is the Lord who judges me."
Keller boils down Paul's thoughts perfectly:
"'I don't care what you think; but I don't care what I think'"
Okay. So Paul doesn't really care about what people think and we're just lucky he gives to the poor rather than commit genocide without a care in the world. Awesome.
Look at the last sentence. Paul is not free from judgement. He believes there is a God that will be the ultimate judge of things when he dies.
So....
Does Paul do good deeds and spread the gospel, awaiting the ultimate judgement and award from the Lord God Almighty?
NO!!!
As a believers, there is no trial for us, someone else went to court for us two millennia ago.
"It was an unjust trial in a kangaroo court â but He did not complain. Like the lamb before the shearers, He was silent. He was struck, beaten, put to death. Why? As our substitute. He took the condemnation we deserve; He faced the trial that should be ours so that we do not have to face any more trials."
It is this foundation of identity that we do good, not vice versa. Let me say this again: THE VERDICT CREATES THE PERFORMANCE.
âLike Paul, we can say, âI donât care what you think. I donât even care what I think. I only care about what the Lord thinks.â And he has said, âTherefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesusâ, and âYou are my beloved child in whom I am well pleasedâ. Live out of that.â
I tried my best to condense the message and I know I butchered many parts, so I highly recommend giving the full book (only ~50 pages!) a read.
https://www.amazon.com/Freedom-Self-Forgetfulness-Path-Christian/dp/1906173419